Dennis's blog

As the literary critic and extreme snowboarder Lenny Fleur d' Lis wisely points out, "You can tell much of a person from the way they make a list, and even more from what they include in this list, and more, even, if you are able to read in the language in which they write." In the spirit of a Fleur d' Lisian inquiry, then, I turn to a brief study of the lists of various historical persons, passed down through the years, with the hope that understanding these lists will help us better understand the list-maker, and maybe ourselves, as well, or, moreso, even, overuse of, commas.

List # 1: Genghis Khan's "List of Things to Do Over Christmas, 1223 A.D."
1. Make christmas cookies (invite M. Polo to help decorate)
2. Dance through forest of candy canes ... in my mind!
3. Snuggle up with Genghis the Cat.
4. Pillage medium-sized village.

List #2: Woody Harrelson's "List of Shit to Take Care of and Shit, Christmas, 1994"
1. Figure out where all the ants are coming from.
2. Find someone really short and call him "shorty"--cheer me up.
3. Go camping with Matt McCaughnawhatever. (Bring beer and that dolphin meet)
4. Pillage medium-sized village.

List #3: Dennis Ostrem's "Christmas Honey-do List, 2006"
1. Win at P.R. Well, let's get real. Try to come in not last at least once.
2. Sleep with book on tummy.
3. Sleep with magazine on tummy.
4. Secure christmas tree to wall to prevent from tipping (NEED: duct tape, razer wire, ham sandwich, two spools of crate paper, and 14 gallons red paint).
5. Think of new brain teaser ... make it hard this time! Maybe involving two dragons and an argument over whether or not to take a shortcut!

List #4: Eric Ostrem's "Christmas Plans, 2006"
1. Win.

List #5: Madison Williams's "Ah-Wist" (2006)
1. Play.
2. Sleep.
3. Compliment Eric's sense of pizzazz and style.
4. Poo while near Jon. Waft.

List #6: Evan and Ryan's "List of Future Accomplishments, 2006"
1. Learn to play basketball (forget water sports!)
2. Learn the Cal Fight Song (the best song ever!)
3. Go to Cal.
4. Write book: "The Cal Fight Song is to Songs What Phil's is the BBQ"


AND NOW: A QUIZ!!!! CAN YOU TELL WHICH ONE IS MATTHEW MCCAUGHNEEWAHEY AND WHICH ONE IS GENGHIS KHAN???? CAN YOU???

-The question of the day is whether something can be amazing and totally predictable at the same time. The answer most historians and other sports buffs would say is "ya sure." For example, when Hannibal crossed the mountains with his flock of elephants. As you watched from high above, you knew he was going to tromp all over the poor Delophites. But later, as you reviewed films of the actual battles, it was still amazing! I mean who would have thought all those trebuchet launches would just bounce off the elephants and basically plop to the ground. In fact, as the fighting ensued, you could hear plopping all over the battlefield. Stupendous! In like manner, watching all those barefooted slaves drag those 10-ton blocks of granite along the road to Hiza, you just knew that whatever they were going to do with them was going to be pretty neat. Nevertheless, when the last block was hoisted on top the pyramid, it was hard not to be impressed. Now... lest I become distracted... to the subject of this post. Every game season since any of us can remember, Dad has really basically stolen the basic show regarding the piece de resistance, the coup de grace, the captain's chair, the main potato, the numero uno of competitions....that's right, the PUZZLER! This last season was no exception...not only did he invent some of the most diabolical, fiendish, astounding, and unbelievable Puzzlers....BUT he also...as usual...not only never once didn't fail to inveritably hush the crowd with diagnostic acumenical, but often layed the biggest egg of all by pronouncing his solution to Eric's most devious and complex Puzzler before...yes I said precluding, or as the French would say apres, Eric was even done. The crowd allowed that it had never seen anything like it before except for last year. The common refrain was "His are feets that don't often match."

Filed at 10:34:12 PST, 1/3/2007

Carmichael, CA--Shock and awe. That's how participants and fans described the unsurpassed performance of Eric Ostrem at The 2006 Annual Ostrem Family Board Game and Other Tests of Excellence Tournament this past Christmas. And reverence. Shock, awe and reverence. That's how they described it.

Over six days of games, Ostrem easily won the vast majority, including 45 games of Puerto Rico, two fifteen-hour games of Caylus, and an assorted number of victories in dominos, dice, chess, Hit-a-Kitten, quarters, Princes of Florence, and Viscounts of Vermont.

"I don't know how he did it," said Scott Ostrem, a competitor in many of the games. "He was like, bam-bam, bam! Bang! Bam. Bam! ... And then it was over."

Other competitors recounted similar experiences. "I don't want to talk about it," said Jon Ostrem, scowling fiercely. "No comment," said Janice Takade. "Seriously, I don't want to comment. Well, if I were to comment, I'd say that it was amazing playing against him, like playing guitar against Clapton or hockey against Gretzky. But I don't want to comment. Don't write that down. Seriously."

Mary Schomberg, Ostrem's wife and another competitor in the games, said, "I've studied his strategies, and I'm confident that next year, things will be different. You just wait and see. Wait, watch and see. Wait, watch, see and understand."

Ostrem also successfully defended his title in other Tests of Excellence, winning hands down the Bake-a-Cake competition, The Manatee Toss, and Mullet Cutting Contest.

"I never knew I'd look this good in a mullet!" said Shelley Williams, who now has a mullet cut by Eric Ostrem. Todd Williams agreed that his wife "looks beautiful in a mullet!"

A nearby pig, Possible S. Tyleroo, who has been observing the Ostrem Family games for years, said he had never seen such a display of dominance. "Ostrem just dominated. He was the dominator. If you look up domination in the dictionary, there's a picture of him. Dominatory dominateness. Wow."

Madison, Ryan and Evan spontaneously formed the Eric Ostrem Fan Club, which will begin its weekly meetings beginning in February. Each meeting will commence with a singing of the Cal Fight Song (universally acknowledged to be the best song ever).

Family patriarch Dennis Ostrem sighed heavily. "Well, that's how things go sometimes. Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes, well, the bear, he eats you. I guess I'll start training for next year." Family matriarch Cindy Ostrem echoed this sentiment: "He's the sharpest fork in the yard, definitely."

CAPTION: A manatee, like those used in the Manatee Toss, an annual event at the Ostrem Family games.

Okay, so we got this flyer in the mail for can't miss family fun, and I think everyone should fly down to San Diego for it. I know everyone will enjoy themselves and after we can go out for a nice dinner, okay are you ready for it?





Wait for it....




The World Famous Salzburg Marionette Theater performs Mozart's The Magic Flute!!!! Okay, so it's no Hansel and Gretel, but we all know the story of the Magic Flute, it will be fun!

what? no? no one wants to join me?

Hey, maybe if we'd had this information while in Salzburg we would have thought better of the whole evening!

"The Salzburg Marionette Theater is known for performing timeless 18th and 19th century operas to the recordings of some of the world's leading orchestras and singers."

hmmm...operas....